What It’s Like To Be A Foster Child

I’ve been asked many times, “What is it like being in foster care?”. With so many books, movies and tv shows depicting life of foster kids there are many common misconceptions. No 2 foster kids have the same story to tell. We all went through different abuse, living situations and it all has effected us differently. Though its hard to describe what is like to be a foster child in words I will try to paint you a picture. Here’s the quick story of what it was like to be a foster child.

I can remember that day when we we’re removed  from our house. We were taken to the DFS office and that night the foster care worker told my brother’s and I we wouldn’t be going back home. The first thought in my mind was “where we would be going?”. I was 15 at the time and had heard horror stories about living in a foster home. I was more than worried, I was scared. I was mentally getting myself prepared for what I might face. I expected the worse and felt like I might have to protect myself and my brothers from something. We were told we were going to go stay with a family that lived on the outside of town. It was called emergency placement.
That first day in the home was extremely awkward. No matter how much someone opens their home to you the awkwardness is still there. We were going to a new home where we didn’t know how they lived or how they did things. You don’t know their routine, their rules or expectations. They did eventually cover some of the rules and tried to make us feel as comfortable as possible given the situation. All we had were the clothes on our back and a few things pairs of clothes my parents had dropped of the case worker.  My brothers were younger so they had a lot of questions, most of which couldn’t really be answered. They had other kids which seemed fine with us staying there and seemed to enjoy our company, but I always wondered what they thought of us taking some of their attention. I was scared, but I tried not to be “needy”. With every new situation I would feel worry. I would get into an activity we were doing, but when it was over, what was next? I think the biggest thing I felt in the beginning as a foster kid was “what’s next?”.
 I really felt uninformed about the whole process from DFS. I thought we would be placed with my extended family and just be in foster care for a short amount of time. For us that wasn’t the case. After a week in emergency placement we were told we were going to be moved to another home. I was told it was a children’s home in another town I had never heard of. The word group home didn’t bring to mind any rainbows and butterflies. While in emergency placement I had learned we were in a safe place and I didn’t want to leave the security we found. We had no choice though and we packed up the little we had. On the drive out to our new home I remember not wanting the drive to end. I had so much racing through my mind as we approached the group homes. There was a sign out front and we pulled past one home and down to another. It was a very large house and there where kids several kids there. We pulled in and after a few minutes of my caseworker introducing us she left. This was my new home. I settled into a small school with a graduating class of 30 something. Everyone knew I was a foster kid that and that was stigma I had to overcome both in school, in the community and in work. It’s funny how someone can feel sorry for you, but can think of you in a bad light because of the same reason. It’s hard to maintain school, trying to fit in, what’s going on with your parents, your life in your foster home and your emotions all at the same time. I had visits with my parents, going through the motions until they signed away their rights. It’s a mix of emotions when it finally happens. Even though I didn’t want to go back I wanted them to admit what they did. After they signed away their rights I definitely felt it was me against the world. I knew I would have to toughen up because I wouldn’t have parents to turn to.
  As a foster parent please don’t take everything personal. Sometimes things are just so confusing and it’s hard to know how to let it out. Most foster kids just want to me in a “normal” family life and are cared for. Try to make sure you keep kids in the loop. I always hated feeling like something was going on in my case and I weren’t being told. I understand not everything can be shared, but being left in the dark is scary. Do make sure and let us know what there is something to look forward to. Being in foster care doesn’t sentence you to anything. You may not have had control of how the story started but you can write the ending.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

30 Responses to What It’s Like To Be A Foster Child

  1. This is a great article. I myself am a foster parent, and I can definitely see where you are coming from. I love to hear from kids who have survived the system and can give advice on how we foster parents might be able to make more of a difference.

    • Anonymous says:

      Being a foster parent makes a huge difference and can have a huge impact on a child’s life, whether for the positive or the negative. I lived with too many people to count growing up. I think the two things I would say to any foster parent, is to try to empathize with the child through poor behaviors and realize the child is acting out as a way of processing severe trauma, and to do your best to allow the child to feel like a legit part of your family. It is important for children to know that they BELONG.

    • juliet says:

      this is a great article because i myself is foster kid

  2. Anonymous says:

    I love your words, “Being in foster care doesn’t sentence you to anything. You may not have had control of how the story started, but you can write the ending.” I too grew up as a foster child. My childhood was traumatic, a horror story that no child should have to endure. My life in foster care was full of trauma, never knowing what the next day would bring. Although my life was traumatic, I have not let it define who I am today. I became a successful business woman who put aside work to foster and adopt two little boys that I added to my family of two grown biological children. Today I am the Founder and Executive Director of Fostering SuperStars and the Director of One 4 Life, a mentoring program strictly for foster children.

    You are absolutely correct, “you can write the ending”. God bless you, you have come a long way my friend! http://www.fosteringsuperstars.org

    • I am inspired by your commitment. I was also a foster care kid for a 5yr period in my childhood. I have always wanted to give back as a foster parent. I am 52 yrs now & I think I am at the point that I can make this a reality. I still have to work to suuport myself & I am caring for my 8 yr old grandson too. My concern is how to bring in one child that is compatible with my grandson & will also allow me to continue working on a semi-fulltime basis.

  3. Imafoster says:

    Thanks for the feedback! In the beginning of this project I didn’t realize how much it would help the foster and adoptive parents so I’m glad that I can help people from that background as well. @Miranda thanks for taking the time to help those children in need. @anonymous I’m sorry you had to go through those things and no one should be subjected to it. It’s great that you didn’t let that become an excuse to set back and dwell. Thank you for all you do. I think it’s a great thing to give back and show others your can still be successful in life after abuse.

  4. Lizzie Klingler says:

    Thank you for sharing. I loved reading this. I am trying to share more about my story, but that takes courage. My biological father forbids me from writing anything, even though he has no part in my life at all. He never contributed in a positive way to my life but he forbids me from sharing my story.

    • Imafoster says:

      Thanks for stopping by! I’m sorry that you feel that you cannot share your story. You should be able to, not only because it will help you, but could potentially also help others. There are ways to tell your story without everyone knowing who’s story it is. You could always start an anonymous blog or contribute a anonymous guest post sharing your story.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this…as a foster parent, many of us want to understand more and better..we want to be able to give kids a safe place to land when life blows up on them. I grew up in a home of abuse, but no one picked up on it…so, I was never taken. I really love that last sentence…” Being in foster care doesn’t sentence you to anything. You may not have had control of how the story started but you can write the ending.” Words to live by. Bless you in your journey!

  6. “Thank you” sounds redundant after all the previous comments, but none the less needed. So, thank you. I recently became a “spiritual” foster mom (yay me!) when a young woman, delicate and special I befriended said that is how she seen me. Also, blatantly explaining to me that since she didn’t have a mommy and I didn’t have children that God just worked it out that way 🙂 Can I say “duh!” Lol. I’m starting to believe that even with a particularly special calling as “spiritual” foster parent, that God definitely has worked this out perfectly. She did not have it as nice as you portray your life in working through the system, but this article truly has begun to help me see her world through her eyes.

    My husband and I had already determined in our hearts that we would adopt when the time came .. but this quick?! And by way of a child adopting US?!?!?! I’m seriously tripping over myself at this point reading the words as I type. Again, thank you for helping in allowing me to see a glimpse of her world through your eyes. God bless the foster children and their foster parents! 🙂

    • Imafoster says:

      Thanks for the feedback! It always encourages to work harder when someone lets me know this has helped them in some way. Unfortunately many foster kids have way worse experiences both before and during foster care then I did. I’m hoping to start trying to work towards setting up something with my former group home to meet with some of the kids and share more stories and insight from different perspectives.

  7. Thank you for sharing your story. You give a wonderful insight into not only your personal experience as a foster child, but all provide an inside view to current and prospective foster carers on the emotions, feeling and thoughts that foster children have. Your commitment to raising awareness and promoting foster care is truly inspirational. Keep it up!

  8. With your permission, I would like to link to your blog post from my blog the90tenproject.com I think it will be helpful for others to read your experience. Please let me know if you are okay with that! Thank you so much.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the info I’m writing a report on adoption and it helped me a lot I think I’m going to get an A+

  10. Anonymous says:

    thx for sharing your story. I am a foster child. I to learned to do my own laundry. I have learned a lot of new things being in care. thank you all foster parents for what you do

  11. Keyasha Wheeler says:

    I’m a 13 year old African American girl. I’ve been in care with 2 of my sisters for 5 years. I try to look at it as the best was possible.

  12. Anonymous says:

    A girl in my grade is a foster kid and she said that it is hard not knowing when you are leaving and not knowing what is going to happen when you change houses. She also says that it is hard cause you get friends and get use to the family then you have to leave. One of my best friends who I consider as a cousin also is in foster care right now because her mom had to go up to northern mn for a family emergency and someone said that her mom smokes right in her and her little brothers face. Is that really an excuse for taking a child away figuring she was going through other stuff at the moment???

  13. hi says:

    Hey! I am fifteen and i live in a group home… my first one in fact, and I am so sad and confused…. I lived with a foster parent for the first time before they placed me here, and she was an mean woman.. she just hadn’t truly grown up yet, and she was wild like a teenage girl, a much younger sense of maturity compared to myself.. and to get to the point, really… she said that i had a lot of these issues to get rid of me from her home w/o being investigated….. I had told my social worker about some things she would do, and yeahh….
    But I want some help… I am not like the girls there! I have goals and aspirations, and I want to become a graphics designer, and i have never done drugs! I just feel so alone, I don’t fit in, and Im really really scared…. I just want to go home…. I miss my mom, and my brother and sisters….. please, can someone just tell me what to do! Its so chaotic here too, there is always a girl fighting with another girl or staff for that matter, and I am SO overwhelmed by school and expectations, that I am going crazy. The yelling stresses me out, and I am trying so hard to be more mature about this situation, but I can’t!!! I’m just a kid…. my voice isn’t as great and powerful as they told me it would… being an asian american girl sucks too, because everyone finds a way to make fun of me for my race, and its just really… ugggghhhh…. someone please give me some guidance, I’m so lost and confused. I’ve been here for five months, and I’m told I’ll be leaving soon within this month or two, and I’m really excited, but the wait is killing me! All I can do is wait and cry about how I am absolutely useless in my OWN life! someone please reply.

    • FosterMom4Life says:

      I’m replying to “Hi.” Just wanted to say, I hope that you don’t get this because you’ve moved to a fabulous home and are no longer feeling so stressed out. The hardest thing to do sometimes is wait, especially when you’re not getting answers. You are assigned a court appointed attorney called a Guardian at Litem. If you feel you don’t know enough about the case, where you are going to be or who you will be living with, at any time you can ask the facilitators of the group home to call your attorney. He or she should meet with you at least once per month. You can also call your caseworker. They will be more vague about what is going on, but if you remind them of your age, they will take your wishes into account. You will also have hearings where you will go in front of the judge and the judge will make rulings based on the recommendations of your attorney, the case worker and the State’s attorney and your parents’ attorneys. Be prepared to speak up if you don’t like what’s happening. Know that you have a right in those proceedings to say what has happened to you, what you want, what you don’t want and be heard. Know that you may not always get exactly what you want when you want it, but at this age, you have a lot more control over the process. I hope and pray that things work out for you. I know this situation is not ideal, but just know that God has His hands on you. Blessings.

    • DepressingDays says:

      if I was like you at 15…. haha so much would I have avoided.
      Im sorry its so shit for you, but I do think that you must be a smart girl.
      Youre so self aware – I bet you can deal with your emotions more… desireably than others around you. Look at you psycho analysisng your foster woman!
      If I were in your postion, I would’ve been The Biggest Hoe around – and thats saying a lot about you.

      If you ever happen to see these comments. Idk, just know that you seem to have the internal strength and level headedness of a wiser person. Dont doubt yourself, and stay on the good path. Whatever is good for you

      • DepressingDays says:

        But dont restrict yourself. Especially when you are having fun. Its so rare in even a privledged life, dont let your life be bottled up.

        I cannot allow such an intensley strict perspective on life.
        Those feelings will catch up with you.

  14. Samara (Sam) Sant says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience! We are getting our dual foster/adopt license and I am wondering what we can provide in the room to make children/teens more comfortable; a welcome book with our info and pictures and maybe a tentative schedule in our home? Would foster children like to go shopping with the foster mom & dad for groceries and new clothes and some items to decorate their room with?

    • Sphynix Roze says:

      Hi Sam…. I’m Sphynix…. I think your doing s great thing opening your home to foster children. I am a surviving adult foster child. I lived thru 22 placements. I believe I am more than qualified to answer this question for you.

      The welcome book sounds good because it will serve as ref point for the child, and also your case worker may have that as part of you foster plan. I must be frank however, children in foster care often have intense feelings of anger, abandonment and jealousy. They have lost everything. Most pictures of other people’s families only remind them of what they lost and how much their own family doesn’t care. Don’t expect too much from the book.

      Yes, you will serve them much better by actions of taking them along on shopping trips and outings. They will normally respond to gifts and such in a positive way. Please understand that as foster kids we know…. the current situation is not permanent and therefore it is very difficult to form bonds because we know we will leave.

      Good luck to you and happy fostering….

  15. Samara (Sam) Sant says:

    also, how should we handle the first night, like if as the foster child you knew you had lice or bed bugs, would you be insulted if the foster family gave you fresh clothes and shampoo and then washed the clothes you came in? I can’t seem to find answers on how to delicately handle this issue. Thank you in advance.

  16. Ridley says:

    fostercare is the hardest thing ive been through. i lived thru sex trafficing and dead ends.fostercare is so hard because you dont realy get to be normal like everyone else. and when i see others with thier families my heart breaks. i wish i could be in a real home. when i know ill be safe. i love the strangers who9 open thier doors to us, they are so kind hearted but i still dont know them. iam not used to thier ways and routine. and when i start school i dnt know anyone. the n once i get setteled iam off to a new home. life in fostercare has its ups but it also has its downs

  17. Jesse says:

    Hello my name is Jesse. I have lived in foster care for 19 years of my life. I am now 22 years old and i have lived in 42 different towns and 6 different states. For those people who would like to know how being a foster kid is id like to give you some insight via though by my own experience. To start I would like to say every foster home and group home are very different. The vast amount of different cultures and people you come in contact with are rather interesting. Tho in some cases there are genuinely good people willing to care for you but in more cases then you can imagine it is just money hungry people who take advantage of the system for the money and food stamps. They use the resources granted by the state to better their life and not yours. In my case I have been on both sides. I was never selected for adoption so I bounced around alot. Many people think its hard to uproot your life and live with complete strangers but ill tell you at at first its complete culture shock. Then eventually its just like tying your shoes it comes naturally and you just do it. With everything I have experienced in my life im grateful for the life I have had over the years. I am and will always be a humble person. I truly believe if not for my misfortunes in life id never fully appreciate it. I have had many things done to me. I also have seen and done a lot of things im am not proud of but it has been bittersweet. It has made me the person I am today. I have more life experience then a majority of adults I encounter.The best advice I can give current foster kids is to embrace it ! You may not be as privileged as most kids but the situation is what you make it. Also some good advice for current foster parents is to help the kids find their true passion in life. Help them pursue it and guide them the right way. you absolutely don’t want them feeling entitled to things they must work for like normal person.

    If anyone on here is a foster kid or a former foster kid who has aged out of the system feel free to contact me for advice. Same goes for foster parents looking for advice.

  18. Losa says:

    I am so sad when I hear about kids being without families. I was on my own when I was 14 so I chose to adopt through foster care to help kids. My kids came to me when they were 8 and 14 and are now 25 and 19. We loved them and treated them so special and provided a great home for them both but they never appreciated it and loved us back. My son was more open emotionally with me but was never wrong in his eyes so he blamed us for everything he felt. My daughter has RAD and has never been able to open up to me at all no matter how hard I have tried. He moved out and got a girl pregnant two years ago and this past Christmas my daughter left unexpectedly and got pregnant from a guy we don’t even know. It’s as if everything we tried to do to help them failed. I am trying my best to have a relationship with them but can’t figure out how to make that happen when they aren’t Capable emotionally. Can any of you out there please tell me how you would want to be talked to so we can be close? Their biggest complaint is that they feel we lecture them so they tell us nothing when all we are trying to do is protect them. Thanks.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *