Category Archives: For Parents

5 Things I Learned About Fostering Teenagers

At the age of writing this, 28 years old, many people tend to think that I wouldn’t have an insight on fostering teenagers. For me, I never thought I would even have any insight on raising children- let alone teenagers! However, when it comes to life, as you know, things never go as planned. At the age of 24, my wife and I became the kinship foster parents for my two brothers. They were ages 14 and 15 at the time. Because of this situation, we’ve received many different reactions (yes, even eye brow raises) when people find out my brothers live with us. Since I’ve had to transition into this role, I’ve finally had that “aha” moment, that hopefully, a lot of parents of teenagers feel. I finally have that reasoning for the rules and the questioning. But, when you are in foster care, it’s different. I’ve spent time on both sides of the table, so this has taught me a lot of things about fostering teenagers (even the things I didn’t want to necessarily want to find out).

raising teenagers

They are going to be sneaky. Yes, this is naturally a teenage thing, but it can be worse with foster kids. Many times, children are taught this survival technique to endure the situation they are in. That behavior is then embedded in them as they grow older. Teenagers that may be unnaturally sneaky, tend to continue this survivor mode even when they don’t have to. Some children to the extent they just can’t understand any other way. So, I’ve tried to be rational with them, but aware. “Eventually, everything comes to light, and if these behaviors continue, you will be disciplined. If you continue these behaviors, you know the consequences.” This is about teaching the desired behavior.

You cannot feel sorry for them or let them feel sorry for themselves. It’s important to acknowledge the situation, but they should use their past as a measuring stick. “The harder you’ve had it, means you’ve accomplished that much more when you make it.” This is important because the world does not feel sorry for them. The bill collector doesn’t care what kind of childhood they had. They must own it. As a foster kid, you have to realize you will work harder for the finer things in life, so every mistake or unthought out decision will hinder your progress. This I know from experience.

The only thing you must do is give adequate clothing, food, and shelter. Many people think this sounds harsh, but sometimes if the action warrants a reality check, so be it-it’s truthful. Foster kids that have come into your home, whether kin or not, are not your kids. My brothers have come to live with me because their (third) home situation wasn’t good. They could be in some foster home (yes, we know they are not all good places), but instead they are in a safe, caring, and respectful living situation with family. Things should not be taken for granted and at times you have to teach appreciation. Privileges are earned and with good behavior comes more freedom. I can promise, you will have to remind ungrateful teenagers how things could be, then remind them that they don’t have it that way. Explain you’re just trying to help them through a situation, but they have to make the process go smooth, by fighting for themselves.

Sometimes you should let things get tough for them. This is the only way they will learn to figure it out. It’s better that they learn it under your wing rather than someone else’s. The lesson of networking is one of the biggest lessons that can be taught to assist them with their future. For example, let’s say their car breaks down or needs a repair. Then, they take it to the shop and it will be $500 to fix. Now what? If your teenager could find the part and connect to a person that works on cars, shouldn’t they do that to cut the cost? The answer is “yes”. We know that your teenager will at some point “age out” of foster care, so they need those connections. Teaching them early, will be essential for their life toolbelt. The networking and opportunities come into play when they get in these tough situations. The point here is not really about getting the car fixed, but about how they will get it done- on their own. Yes, there will be situations that arise that they may need help. But, if you fix everything for them, just know you will continue to do so long after they’ve flown the nest.

You should set down with your teenagers and plan for their future. Not too many teens are thinking about their future, let alone putting a plan together and actually taking the steps to achieve it. So, you must set a move out date for them- or it may just never happen. There needs to be a sense of urgency or you can quickly get in a situation where there is none whatsoever. This is going to be a part of their life plan, and it goes back to the realty of their situation. But, it unfortunately just doesn’t stop with a “plan”, you must follow-up and ensure they are taking those steps. As I’ve mentioned, they will have to work harder because of their situation, but hopefully they have the right amount support to guide them. The fact is, it’s possible for them to achieve this plan. Regardless of their past, it does not define them- unless they allow it.

We’ve all seen it too often, and we may even do it ourselves- making excuses because of our past woes. I tell my brothers that it’s unfortunate that so many of the decisions that they will make between the ages of 15 until about 25, will majorly affect the rest of their lives. Often they’ve made decisions that have gotten themselves into the situation they are in, and we can warn and guide, but in the end, it will be their decision. That’s why as parents, especially foster parents, we must push (and sometimes drag) teenage foster kids in the right direction. They may hate you at times, but if you do your part and they do their part, one day they will look back and not only thank you but be thankful for you.

Teaching Healthy Dating

healthy datingBeing a teen in foster care is tough for a truckload or two of reasons. You’re living in a place away from your family, who you may weirdly want to go back to even though they may have hurt you. You’re in that transition from kid to adult, trying to get yourself figured out. As as a teen in foster care, when I looked ahead I was scared. I really wanted someone to care for me. Fortunately there were a few adults around that did care for me but at the time I didn’t trust pretty much any adult. It was hard for me to trust or understand why someone, especially someone who wasn’t my family, would even have a reason to care about me. One thing I did understand (at least I thought so at the time) was relationships concerned to dating. What I didn’t understand at the time is healthy dating.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in foster care or not, we all know that as most teenagers get older the more interested they are in dating. I think it’s also safe to say that how we treat the other person and interact in that relationship is taught to us as children. Now I know that foster kids aren’t the only ones that have gone through or seen negative things, but I guarantee 100% of foster kids have either been taken from a relationship they thought was good, have seen bad relationships and/or  has been hurt by someone who they love and was supposed to love them unconditionally. If abuse, yelling, fighting, and arguing is all you have seen from the relationship of your parents than most likely it will be first instinct to have some of those same behaviors. This can go other ways as well. Some foster kids have lost parents and seek that love. Other foster kids  have been put on the back burner by their parents for other relationships or may have been abused in several different ways by the ones that were supposed to teach these children how to have relationships. Their way of coping maybe trying to find love. They are used by people who they think love them, going from relationship to relationship searching.

Bad relationship skills don’t just happen and are a learned trait. People just don’t grow up and one day think it’s ok to hit their significant other. People just don’t grow up to be controlling, abusive or mean; they were taught to be that way. Often we also lose ourselves too much in the one inflicting the abuse in the relationship and lose focus on the one that’s abused. Not only do those abused sometimes turn into abusers themselves, they also may learn about being a victim. Too many people in abusive relationships think that whats going on is ok or believe they deserve it. Even though if you were to ask ANYONE whether abuser, victim or neither “Is abuse wrong” and every one of them would say “yes”, the cycle abuse still continues in many dating relationships. Foster kids need to be shown that what they’ve seen many  times over in relationships this isn’t they way things should go. Often it means being re-taught how to treat people and how to respect yourself.

In the foster care group home that I lived in there were many rules in place to help with healthy dating for teenagers. At the time I thought they were annoying and embarrassing. Looking back, especially now that I’m siting in the parents seat, they were pretty acceptable and in fact necessary. Some of the rules I can remember are being a certain age to date, having to live there a certain length of time, they had to meet them before you go anywhere with them and you have to be supervised or in a group. I had to let them know what I was doing and where I was going. When I had a girl come over there were rules as well. We weren’t really allowed to touch, no P.D.A. or sitting on laps or under blankets. What could sometimes be embarrassing was when something innocent in mind happens and is corrected. Most teens aren’t used to rules that are so strict or strictly enforced. Innocently someone can sit on your lap or share a blanket with you. The truth is though this needed to happen. There needed to be safe boundaries not only because I was a foster kid, but because I was a teenage kid as well.

Too many teenagers, foster kids or not, make life changing mistakes when it comes to dating. They think about the past and the now more than a future. The emotional damage can be prevented for teens that are definitely not ready for the consequences of their actions.  It’s important for foster kids to see and often be re-taught how to have healthy dating relationships. There are also too many foster kids that grow up and continue the cycle of what they experienced in their own dating, marriages and relationships. Which then continues another cycle that their children see. It’s up to us as foster parents to set boundaries and teach kids in our care how to treat others, to help them learn how to have healthier relationships and break the cycle.

10 Simple Gift Ideas For Teens In Foster Care

When I was in foster care I was lucky enough to live in group home where I was able to make a Christmas list. Our group home was good at finding donations to make it possible for us to receive some nice things. We also live in a community that is very giving with their donations for those less fortunate. I never really knew what to put on my gift list. I wasn’t used to asking people for things, not from my family and especially not from “strangers”. Since I hadn’t known my foster parents long, they didn’t know what to get me. It’s hard to buy for teenagers, especially teenagers you may not know too well. Here are 10 simple gift ideas for teens in foster care.

  • New clothes and shoes- A child in foster care doesn’t get much of a clothing allowance. Especially when you factor in sometimes needing higher priced items like shoes and coats. Getting clothing donations was great but I always hoped to get some new clothes for Christmas. It’s hard enough fitting in while in high school, especially as a foster kid so feeling good in some new clothes or shoes is a self-esteem boost.
  • Prepaid phone- nowadays everyone needs to stay in contact. Teens especially those in foster care need to get out into the world to figure things out but I recommend any teenager having a way of getting in contact with you at any time. A prepaid phone is a great way to keep that contact while also giving a little responsibility. Since it’s prepaid they can rack up a bill. Also since they have a “bill” there’s more incentive to maintain a job to keep it going.You can get a prepaid phone for as little as $20.
  • Book- An educational or inspirational book is always a great gift. As a teen in foster care, they may have to go out into a tough world and figure some things out. They will also face tough times mentally and work on discovering who they are. Sometimes a great book with a little insight can give a different perspective. I was given a book gift called “Wild At Heart” that I remember to this day. Also, educational books about life situation will get teens prepared for the real world. Books can be expensive and can sometimes be found cheaper on the internet.
  • Journal- A Journal is a great gift for teenagers in foster care. Writing is a great way of getting out emotions in safe way. There were many times when frustrated with my situation that I would write. With this, I was also able to look back on my experiences. There were many reminders of good things I had forgotten about or maybe taken for granted at the time. There were also tough times that when I looked back on gave me the strength to push forward during other obstacles.
  • A class or lesson- Going into the world I never really felt like I had a trade. Some people are tech savvy, others mechanically inclined, or maybe how to build something. If your foster kid is pretty good at or interested in a trade, you can get him classes or lessons to learn more. A hobby is therapeutic and can also earn some extra money when things get tight.
  • Gear from a favorite sports team- Sports fans with the favorite team usually love anything that has their team on it. It pretty much doesn’t even matter what it is. If you can find out your foster child’s favorite team check out the sports store or website.
  • Spa day, makeover, or nail certificate- For those with young women, a spa day, makeover, or getting a certificate to get their nails done are great gift ideas. Maybe she’s in need of a new hairstyle. Some young women have never had the chance to be pampered or do extra things like getting their nails done. What doesn’t girl like to be pampered?
  • A blanket- One of the most memorable gifts I received was a blanket. It was a gift that I used often and still have to this day. Blankets can always be used and can meet a real need. Blankets are something that you can also take with you. Hopefully, it’s a gift that can carry good memories with through their foster care journey.
  • Gift card- Many people don’t like to give gift card because they aren’t personal. At the same time, I’ve never known anyone that doesn’t like to receive money. There are gift card to different places such as restaurants, or to iTunes, and Google play stores if you know your teen has a preference. Gift cards are always a great fall back gift in any situation.
  • A simple toy- Sometimes we over think gift giving. Teenagers like to act adult like and not like kid stuff. Give a teenager a simple child’s game, a toy car set or one of those finger skateboards and bet they don’t play with it. They may not when they are sitting in front of everyone but I bet they will at some point, and love every minute of it. Teenagers, just like adults, sometimes want to relive those kid moments. some may have never had a chance to have them.

My favorite part of the holidays is giving gifts to others. It always feels good to give somebody a smile, let them know they were thought of, or even help them out. Gift giving for foster children doesn’t have to be complicated. Many are just thankful for a safe home and being thought of.

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